Why oh why do I put myself through this?

Every so often I ask myself this question and Saturday was one of those days.  With 9 weeks till my first race of the season, a 50 mile (80 km) trail race, the mileage is starting to build so by the time I reach the weekend I already have some "distance in my legs".  The schedule is to to do the big miles on Saturday and follow up on Sunday with a reasonable distance, running on tired legs.  Saturday was my longest run this year, 28km - doesn't seem much when I'm aiming for 80 km in 9 weeks time.
Stuart & I started off at an easy pace but possibly slightly faster than we should have and 10/20 seconds per km has a way of catching up with you later.  We made our way up to Chatelherault which has a nasty sting in the tail before you arrive there which sent my heart rate up. As planned we did a small followed by a big lap.  Half way through the big lap I was starting to feel my early pace and I dropped off the group.  It's when this happens that some negative thoughts start to build up in your head.  For the final part of the run Gavin joined me as he was heading back in the same direction and as he was adding on another 10km he was happy for a slower pace.  He could tell where my "head was" and chatted away although he wasn't getting much of a response from me.  One of our running friends ran past us in the opposite direction but I didn't even recongnise her as I was too busy having a discussion in my head about why the bloody hell I was putting myself through this sh1t!  You can tell I wasn't having a good day!  Later that day my coach paid me a socially distanced visit and delivered a home made Victoria sponge which certaily helped my recovery.
This morning I had 14km to run and the wind was blowing and the temperature low.  I'd already decided I run in a flat area which is lower than where I normally run which proved to be a wise decision as it was baltic.  I had Stuart for company for the first half of the run and I was surprised just how good I felt.  No aches or pains and no fatigue.  It was a brilliant run and when I finnished it I had a double gym session to complete.  That's all behing me now as I eat my body weight in food with my feet up watching the football.  I feel amazing and tomorrow is a day off running.
The lesson learned yesterday, and one I've learned before, was the reason I put myself through these tough times is the way it makes me feel once I've "got out of my puddle".  I feel fit and alive which in today's current enviroment is a real privilege.  I fell very lucky but then I do put the effort in.  If you end up "in a puddle" rather than sit there feeling sorry for yourself why not stand up and make a splash - enjoy yourself, life is not a dress rehearsal.  Happy Easter.