Overcoming my fears

This week was all about recovery and getting ready for the big weekend.  The plan was to have 2 big days, back to back, in the mountains as this is my 2nd last weekend in the mountains before URR.  As usual my pal Michael planned the routes based on my coaches requirements.  They were to be approx 21 km  with at least 1,500m of ascent and rugged conditions.  He didn't disappoint and of course I'd be flying solo so we also had a session together making sure the OS maps were downloaded to my phone and watch.
Saturday involved visiting the mountains are Blair Atholl with the big one being Ben A'Ghlo.  It was a sunny day but the wind on the summits was very strong, so strong it was blowing my poles across me when I was running.  I even had to take my hat off or I would have lost it.  My technology got confused as my route doubled back on itself and I had to believe I was going the right way and ignore what the IT was telling me.  Once again the path disappeared and it took me 10 minutes to find the path out of the boulder field.  The descent was precarious and I remembered it from a few years back.  The stones were all lose and they just kept slipping from under me due to the steep narrow paths.  When I got to the bottom of the mountain I was glad not to have fallen and swore I wouldn't do that descent again.  However compared to what I faced today, it was easy!
Today my goal was Ben Lui & Ben Oss near Tyndrum.  The weather forecast said there was a chance of rain and there would be low cloud.  They weren't wrong about the clouds and I spend a lot of the time being guided by the OS map on my phone as there was nothing to see.  However that wasn't without it's challenges.  Approaching Ben Lui which was in cloud base I lost the path.  I couldn't see the shape of the hill and should have paid more attention to my phone.  If my watch signaled I was off the route, I never felt or heard it.  But I was heading towards the "Central Gully" as I thought I could see a route cutting off to the right.  The climb was vertical and made all the more difficult by loose stones which just fell away under my feet creating mini landslides.  I was digging in my poles and trying not to look down, I don't like heights, when I began to realise I was going to have to travers across some rocks.  Eventually I came to an overhanging rock that would have required me to fully commit to a grip and take my body weight.  By this stage I was talking out loud to myself and was trying to calm myself down and evaluate the risks in every move, every step.  I came to the decision this was crazy and I'd head back down. Easier said than done. 
When I turned around, the steep narrow gully of loose stones were below me and I really couldn't see how to get safely down.  It involved using my poles as brakes but actually sliding with the stones and sometimes sliding on my arse.  I never, ever want to find myself in that position again.  I was shaking with fear.
As I was descending I noticed a path (at long last) off to my right.  I checked my map are saw that if I followed it I would eventually get back on track and could complete the rest of the route including Ben Oss.  But it was totally clagged in with cloud and I couldn't see the shape of the hill to assess the risks.  The weather was threatening rain so should I take the risk?  I decided to press on as retracing my steps didn't appeal as I had been fairly shaken by the gully.
The path I had seen led me up the side of a sheer drop so that didn't help my nerves that were already frayed!  I just kept my head down and pressed on.  When I reached the top any sense of a path disappeared so it was down to my IT guiding me to Ben Oss which it did.  I was ecstatic to reach the summit and the clouds parted to allow me some photos.  I took time out to get some food on board and calm down.  The way down, although it also involved another climb, was fairly uneventful and after 4 hrs and 45 mins, 1,523m of ascent and 22 km I got back to my car.  Mightily relieved and kicking myself for not managing to follow my map.  At the same time I was pleased not to have totally lost it in the gully when I was thinking of lying down and calling for help!
People often ask me why I do what I do and yesterday was a great reminder when out of the blue I received a message for Jim, someone we met in a bar in San Francisco in 2019 who started following me on FB/Strava/blog.  He wrote to me to say that when he met me he thought 5km was like a mountain so as I'd just ran 205 miles non-stop, it helped him raise his own bar/goals.  He's teed up for two half marathons this year, has lost 45 lbs and is off his meds for high blood pressure and cholesterol.  What an amazing story and all because he was taken by my story about my running and wanted to raise his game.  Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than knowing that what I do can make a positive impact on some ones life.  I hope Jim realised that not only does this message give me a massive boost, but he will also be inspiring people around him who notice the changes in his life.  As I always say, we are all capable of so much more and growth only happens outside the comfort zone!  I must have had a major growth spurt today!  I don't think I've overcome my fear of heights but put in the precarious position, I was able to handle it.